I have some questions about marriage.

I’m getting married in less than 4 months and it just hit me like a hard-packed snowball to the face. Aside: I wish I could say a snowball in transit was my excuse for the photo above but, alas, it was merely the sun. That raw emotion, tho. I feel it.

It started yesterday on Christmas Day when I received the loveliest and most thoughtful gift from my pending in-laws: an incredibly nice leather travel jewelry case and nail kit. Of course, it was intended to be monogrammed and, alas, Marta had no idea what to do. Was I to be Laurel Margaret Kurland? Laurel Margaret West Kurland? IS THERE A HYPHEN?! Jesus Christ. But, unwilling to leave the leather untouched (a blank canvas, if you will), I immediately consulted my sister who I recall telling me the day she had to decide what her name would be: “I was unprepared. I cried and ended up leaving my full name intact, just adding his (already hyphenated) last name at the end.” She had a true moment of panic, and I knew she would have good advice. Ultimately, we resolved my initial conundrum but it didn’t stop the snowball from rollin’ on down that hill. I began to have a full-blown identity crisis, but that is a tale for another time.

Identity aside, in the midst of this crisis I realized I have some very pertinent questions about marriage that I desperately need the answers to. I’ve narrowed the below list down to 5, from well over 10. Yes, I am a chronic over-thinker.

Question 1: Do I have to be referred to as “Mrs. Kurland”?

With all due respect, the only Mrs. Kurland in our world is my one and only pending MIL. She is the queen of the castle and I am not sure I am ready for the responsibility the title bears.

Question 2: Same same, but different…does Alex have to call me his wife or are there other alternatives?

For the record, I can already tell you that “wifey” won’t be happening, but I feel like “wife” doesn’t capture our youthful spirit and zest for life. Note: we spend most of our time in matching robes binge-watching TV shows so I am quite literally delusional if I think I am deserving of anything young and vibrant.

Also note: ironically enough I think “husband” is incredibly sexy? WHAT DOES IT MEAN.

Question 3: Does marriage mean I can no longer suggest to Alex that he bring a friend on our vacations?

I really like my solitude and would read one book per day on our vacations if Alex wasn’t so ADD and needed activities, constantly. I have considered the couples trip thing but I feel like then it’s just GROUP activities and unless its the spa where there is silence, I feel like I could run into the same struggle. It is very real.

Question 4: In a similar vein, if it’s too weird to tell him to bring a friend does this mean I have to have children like, immediately?

I am so glad Alex is the way he is because he will be game to do everything with our kids. I will just be an accessory, left to my own devices while useless to them. It’s going to be a beautiful thing. Hola from my post at the pool!

Question 5: Does getting married mean we have to start sending out holiday cards?

Real talk: everyone I know that got married last year has now started to send out holiday cards. I can’t tell if it’s because they have a good picture of themselves or if it’s a requirement of marriage.

Background: Neither Alex or I came from holiday card families. If you know us, you know what’s up and more often than not don’t need our faces haunting you from the fridge. Plus, it just adds a whole additional layer of complication to a holiday I already can’t get my shit together for.

Le sigh. Perhaps I’ll feel differently next year. Just watch, you’ll have some Minted card with our faces haunting you as you welcome in 2019. Oy vey.

Answers, anyone?

Also: For those of you curious about the other 5+ questions on my list, here is an example: Does my skincare budget now have to be considered a part of our “non-essentials” (i.e. shopping) budget? Skincare products, to me, are the equivalent of a daily latte for some. Essentials, albeit 5-10x the price.

I asked Alex this exact question and he rolled his eyes and said he literally doesn’t care. I think he just thinks I’m clinically insane and wants to avoid the topic. Best or most ignorant husband-elect? Only time will tell…

 

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