Okay, where’s the hidden camera?

I’ve begun to allow myself the luxury of massages with a mounting frequency. I even went this weekend and when my masseuse asked me when my last massage was, I lied out of sheer embarrassment. In case you are wondering… yes, I went two weekends in a row. I have a lot of special occasions, okay?! I digress.

All of my recent pampering got me thinking about all of the things I actually wanted to say to my massage therapist and/or thought during the massage experience. Because we all know these experiences are full of awkward and it needs to be more broadly recognized. No one looks like the below while getting a massage and, if you claim you do, you’re a pathological liar and must seek immediate help.

Below is a list of all of the things I wish I could ask/say/think aloud to my massage therapist.

  1. Do you want me to actually tell you about my body and what it needs? Because my ass is giving into gravity already at 25… do you have any serums for that?
  2. How long do I need to get undressed? Do people do naked push-ups or laps or something? Because you tell me to take this robe off and get into this toasty bed with the most amazing sheets known to man and I’m pretty much there as quickly as possible — there isn’t any second guessing it.
  3. Okay, but really, how do people get face down on these beds? Do I get on my knees and reverse worm myself in there or do I lay down like I am actually getting in bed. Either way, where is the hidden camera because it must be hilarious.
  4. Welp, yep, this bed is slightly warm. Maybe creepy warm… was there a human just here? Like when you had back to back periods in high school and managed to get the warm chair that you convinced yourself someone had farted in the period before. Almost worse than a warm toilet seat (anyone? ladies?)
  5. Just stop with the soft knock. I can’t even hear it and it makes me feel like I need to whisper back “yes?” so that you know I am ready. It’s just creepy, all around.
  6. Shit, I didn’t shave my legs.
  7. This face pillow is glorious but I can’t close my jaw. Welp, guess we are rolling with mouth open. I must look like Napoleon Dynamite which is actually probably pretty phenomenal.
  8. So, really, how do women with large breasts lay flat like this? Are there special beds with the face pillow equivalent for boobs? Honest question.
  9. I’m drooling. Better make sure you are quick with that aromatherapy oil down there… I really don’t want to make things worse by drooling right into your palm.
  10. I know you tuck the sheet under my thigh so that you don’t see my vagina but, be real with me, how many have you seen?
  11. I know you just saw my boobs when I flipped over. Holding the sheet up high and pretending to look away? I don’t buy it. So, how do they stack up relative to the other women that come in here? I know they’re small but they have shape, right?!
  12. You are doing things with my neck I never thought possible. Never stop.
  13. Okay, besties fo lyfe. I’ll be back next week.

Anyone else have any questionably awkward massage experiences? Please, do tell.

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